When a loved one dies, it can be difficult to know how to help kids cope with the loss, particularly as you work through your own grief.

How much kids can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences, and personality. But there are a few important points to remember in all cases.

Explaining Death in a Child's Terms

Be honest with kids and encourage questions. This can be hard because you may not have all of the answers. But it's important to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness, and send the message that there's no one right or wrong way to feel. You might also share any spiritual beliefs you have about death.

A child's capacity to understand death - and your approach to discussing it - will vary according to the child's age. Each child is unique, but here are some rough guidelines to keep in mind.

Until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened - that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it's final and they won't come back. So even after you've explained this, kids may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back.

Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling kids that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.

Also remember that kids' questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a-5 year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, kids might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.

Kids from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old might think, for example, that by behaving or making a wish, grandma won't die. Often, kids this age personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations about what happened.

As kids mature into teens, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behavior, wishes, or anything they try to do.

As your teen's understanding about death evolves, questions may naturally come up about mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old's friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to get behind the wheel or even ride in a car for awhile. The best way to respond is to empathize about how frightening and sad this accident was. It's also agood time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe and healthy, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking and always wearing a seatbelt.

Teens also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teen who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. Teens also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.

And if you need help, many resources - from books to counselors to community organizations - can provide guidance. Your efforts will go a long way in helping your child get through this difficult time and through the inevitable losses and tough times that come later in life.

Mourning the Loss

Is it right to take kids to funerals? It's up to you and your child. It's appropriate to let kids take part in any mourning ritual- if they want to. First explain what happens at a funeral or memorial and give kids the choice of weather to go.

What do you tell ayoung child about the funeral? You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a casket, and that the person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything. Explain that others may speak about the person who died and that some mourners may be crying.

Share any spiritual beliefs you have about death and explain the meaning of the mourning rituals that you and your family will observe.

If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your child at this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for and focus on your child during the service. Choose someone you both like and trust who won't mind leaving the funeral if your child wants to go.

Many parents worry about letting their kids witness their own grief, pain, and tears about a death. Don't - allowing your child to see your pain shows that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make kids more comfortable sharing their feelings. But it's also important to convey that no matter how sad you may feel, you'll still be able to care for your family and make your child feel safe.

Getting More Help

As kids learn how to deal with death, they need space, understanding, and patience to grieve in their own way.

They might not show grief as an adult would. A young child might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers. Whatever their reaction, don't take it personally. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks - it's a process.

Nevertheless, watch for any signs that kids need help coping with a loss. If a child's behavior changes radically- for example, a gregarious and easy going child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school - seek help.

A doctor, school guidance counselor, or mental health organization can provide assistance and recommendations. Also look for books, websites, support groups, and other resources that help people manage grief.

Parents can't always shield kids from sadness and losses. But helping them learn to cope with them builds emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, Ph.D Date reviewed: November 2009

Originally reviewed by: Dale Perkel, LCSW

If you feel ill-prepared to discuss death with a child, you are not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about dying and death, even with adults. But death and grief are inescapable. We must deal with grief. So must our children. If we are to help them, we must let them know it is all right to talk about death, dying and the grief that follows.

Understanding and Age

Preschool: Death is reversible and temporary, and the whole world is "concrete" since they have not yet begun to think abstractly.

Ages 5-9: Death is final and all living things die, but they may not yet see death as personal. Somehow it won't strike them or the people they love. They may associate death with a bad or evil power that stalks people.

Ages 10-19: Death is irreversible and all living things die. Teenagers may become intrigued with death or even take unnecessary risks as a sort of "dare."

What to Say and Do

What you say to a child about death will depend on his age and experience, but always tell the truth in age-appropriate language. Be aware that your own situation, experiences, beliefs and feelings influence what you say. Since modeling attitudes and behaviors is a significant part of any adult-child relationship, don't be afraid to let children see and feel your own grief at appropriate times. Being open and honest may encourage children to share their deepest feelings and fears.

Above all, become a listener. Don't assume that your own experience in the world is universal. Listen. Explore what the child thinks and believes at this moment. Ask what the child believes to be important about the situation. What are his or her fears and anxieties?

How to Approach Misperceptions

Misperceptions about death may be acquired from other children or careless adults. Some common misperceptions include: equating death with "sleep," equating death with "going away," and linking death to advanced age, as if only elderly people die. Such explanations of death can create anxiety for young children: Will I die when I go tosleep? Also, they may create distrust when children learn the truth: Kids die, too. Be honest, concise and basic when responding to misperceptions.

Children may also be confused about illness, hospitalization and death. They may not be able to distinguish between minor and terminal illness. Explain that only very serious illnesses cause death and, although we all get sick at times and some of us may need to go to the hospital, we usually get better again.

What You May See

Crying or sullen behavior

Mourning is the recognition of a deeply felt loss and a process that we must complete before we can go on with life. Mourning is healing. The expression of grief, through tears or any other emotion, should never be equated with weakness. Boys as well as girls should be allowed to cry and express their feelings if and when they so need.

Anger or hostility

The death of a family member may arouse anger in children as well as adults. The child may feel angry with the person who died for causing pain and sorrow or for leaving the child alone to cope with life. He may feel angry with the doctors who could not save the loved one. Or, the child may feel angry with himself for being unable to prevent the death or for not doing enough

to help when the person was alive.

Children may express their angry thoughts openly, especially when they have lost someone on whom they depended, particularly a parent. It is difficult to hear anger directed toward the death and becomes even more so when it is expressed for what may appear to be selfish concerns. But anger is part of grief. Children may act out their anger in many ways, including overt anger, becoming withdrawn or depressed, or developing physical symptoms.

During periods of anger, you must be a supportive and stabilizing influence. Accept and validate expressions of anger without judging, retaliating or arguing.

Academic decline

A child may seem listless, preoccupied or inattentive after the death of a loved one, which may affect schoolwork. Assignments may be neglected or forgotten, which is a classic expression of pain. So is the desire to stay home from school, or sudden and chronic truancy.

Work with the child's teacher to promote an atmosphere of sensitivity, understanding and support. Ask if assignments could be curtailed for a while or reduced, and request that the child's problems not be discussed in front of the class.

Guilt

When children experience the death of a family member, they often feel guilty. Young children in particular may have difficulty understanding cause-and-effect relationships. They may think that in some way they caused the death, or they may see death as a punishment: "Mom died and left me because I was bad." Help children cope with guilt by reassuring them they have always been loved and still are.

It may also help to explain the circumstances of the death in simple and direct terms.

Indifference

Sometimes a child may cope by not displaying tears, discernible sadness or acting out. He or she may act as if nothing is wrong. A brief period of indifference may be a child's way of mentally preparing to face a painful loss.

Ongoing Grief

Children may express their grief or sadness over a long period of time and also at unexpected moments.Provide them patience, understanding and support as they complete their grief work.

Capacity to Heal

With ample love and support, children have the capacity to not only heal but to grow through grief. Your belief in their capacity to heal will help them integrate death into their lives and go on to live well and love well again.

About the Author

Ronald H. Sunderland, Ed.D., is an internationally known educator and scholar in the fields of pastoral theology and ministry. He served as an Adjunct Faculty member for the Drew University School ofTheology and as adoctoral advisor for that institution.

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